FEAR

Aloha everyone!

Apologies in advance because I am extremely tired right now, and it's just been another long, long week. So I'm pretty certain that this week's update is going to be a short one. For starters, I got transfer news and am going to be staying in Kekaha for another six weeks. This will probably be my last transfer in Kekaha, and that means my time here on the cute island is likely winding down. After this, my guess is that I will be transferring to another island and will probably be spending my final 3 transfers there. So in that sense, it's pretty exciting to think about how far I've come as a missionary, and how much I've seen and learned throughout all of this. It's been a crazy experience and it's been full of ups and downs for sure. My new companion is Elder Atwood. I don't know who he is, but I do know he's coming from the island of Molokai. It's always a pretty scary thing to go through. I know absolutely nothing about the person whom I will be living with for the next six weeks, and I don't despise my current companion, so logically my mind has evolved to think up the worst possible outcome immediately. That said, it's been dang near impossible to work with this place. Nobody cares about our message out here, and yet I still work hard every day, regardless of how tired I am, so honestly speaking, I am left wondering what it is that could possibly come next. What fresh terror to be conquered is waiting just around the bend? I have reason to believe that I'm making my way toward the final boss as it were, so my thought process is that I think it can only get harder from here. 

I've learned a lot from Elder York and I am very grateful for the opportunity I've had to serve with him. He's a great man and over the course of his mission I have no doubt that he will see miracles. He's going to Makakilo Zone by the way, so wish him luck. That place was only three transfers of my life, but it felt like my time in Kalaeloa was the longest time of my life. Of course, directly afterwards I had a blast in Palehua with Elder Taka and Elder Durant, so I hope he finds his way to happier times in his new area, Nanakuli. As for me, well.... I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but whatever it is the Lord wants me to learn, I am fully prepared to learn it. For as much fear as I have about the next couple months, I'm sure that if there's one thing I've already learned, it's that time moves fast, so it's best to just keep your chin up and make the most of what you have. All too soon, I fear, I will be looking back on my mission and missing these wonderful islands of the sea. Between Japan and Hawaii, something about islands of the sea seem to draw me to them, even if I'm scared of the ocean. I'm not sure why I bring all of this 'the end is near' stuff up right now, maybe it's because I can sense big changes in the near future, maybe it's because by the time this upcoming transfer is over I will have reached my 20th month of missionary service. Or maybe I just never thought I would make it this far. Regardless of the reason, I am very grateful for everything my mission has taught me so far, and I look forward to learning even more in the months to come. It always feels like July here, so the weather isn't making summer feel like a faraway time. I still remember last July. I was still with Elder England, and I was watching the fireworks with Elder Bird in Kaneohe. It's hard to believe that I got to stay there so long. 

Last year at this time I was in a pretty similar situation to the one I'm in now, but I like to think that's a good thing. In being tested in the same way twice, I have been blessed to have the opportunity to showcase everything that my first experience with winter on the dry side taught me, and show the Lord the difference between who I was then and who I am now. Basically, this transfer has brought upon me a great sense of personal reflection and review.

I can't say much more than that. I am very afraid of the future, and I'm constantly afraid that my best is not good enough for this work, but I will continue to do my best to care for the Lord's sheep. Sorry again that this week's email was significantly shorter than most, it's just that other than transfer news, there's not much to say. You can always look forward to next weeks update though. It's the first week of a new transfer, so there's bound to be plenty of news.

Drive safely in the snow everyone, I want you alive when I get back this July.

Aloha!
-Elder Caden Rogers

Pictures:

The blow hole near Kalaheo.  You can't see it in the picture, but we were surprised to see sea turtles swimming in the ocean while we were there.  It was a fun p day to be sure. Worry not, there was no sand or water involved.  

A good shot of a Gold Dust Day Gecko at the Kauai botanical gardens.  I was pretty proud of this shot. 

Elder York in full costume.  While we were in a the tourist trap gift shop, Elder York discovered a magic staff and a sweet hat. 

Aside from birds and geckos the most common resident of the botanical gardens was the spider.  Here is just a small preview of the arachnid metropolis. 

The exhaustion in affect. This lovely scene occurred on exchanges.  Specifically, when we exchanged back.  Poor, tired, vacation missionaries.....

These exist.  I didn't know that, but I consider it a tender mercy.  Chocolate and almonds AND M&M minis?  Count me in!!

Our poor AC fell apart on Tuesday.  It is now being help together by the power of Flex Tape.

Hup This Crap I'm Going in the Golf Cart

Well, I mean I guess in hindsight this week probably could have gone a lot worse than it did, so somewhere there's something to be grateful for. That said, the best part of the week to me was last P Day.

So as a missionary in Hawaii the most common things you hear are jokes about the great vacation you must be having from the tourists. I... I no longer enjoy tourists. Half the time on P Day my job is to entertain member tourists at Walmart, or to try and explain to people that I don't actually work there, but am instead, get this: doing my shopping. I know, mind boggling. So, before anything else, and so you can fully appreciate the story I'm about to tell you, let me set the record straight real quick. My mission is not a vacation. I don't perceive it that way, have never perceived it that way, and to be completely honest with you I probably wouldn't choose to go on vacation here anyway. It's just not my thing. Now that said, I'd choose to vacation here after my mission so I can have an excuse to come visit people, but you get the point.

Every time somebody here on vacation tries to crack a joke at me I have to smile and pretend that these are the first members in the history of the church to take a vacation to Hawaii and run into the elders there, and that it doesn't happen at least 3 or 4 times a week, and that I have all day to chat about what part of Utah they're from. And they all think it's just the greatest place to serve a mission, which it is by the way but not for any of the reasons they think. Half of the people call it serving a vacation, and we just play along because Elders aren't supposed to make visiting members feel stupid. But here's the deal. Most of time, I just want to get my shopping done. If I'm at a Walmart, it's not because I'm trying to go out of my way to find people to talk to. It's because I am an actual living human being that is running low on food, and if I don't trek out to Walmart on a regular basis I will starve. Because you cannot bike around 80 hours a week and live if all you eat is top ramen and kraft Mac and cheese. So that's one thing down. Secondly, as a personal challenge from me to you, next time you're at a store, say Walmart or Target, look at the employee uniforms, and then think about the difference between what the employees are wearing and what a missionary wears. Do this, and know that whatever the employees are wearing is probably a lot more comfortable than what missionaries wear. And then make an effort to never confuse a missionary for an employee. Ever. It's funny the first time. After that it's just stupid.

So that's out of the way, now we can get to the part where I just tell you what I did this week. I talked before about how this isn't a vacation, which I did mainly because I think the knowledge of that fact adds to the irony of this whole situation. On P-day, Elder York and I went golfing at a relatively cheap course in Kalaheo. Now, I'm no pro golfer like Elder York is but I do have some experience at wii sports golf, and I also played Mario Golf World Tour on the 3DS a lot, so I figured maybe I could give it a whirl. Now I don't mean to brag, but I actually had a lot of pretty good swings in that game, and some of them even hit the ball. I mostly just served as comic relief for the other three players, because at this course you are required to play in a group of 4 maximum and minimum. The other two who played with us ended up being nonmembers who live in our area, which was good for us because they couldn't escape us for the next two and a half hours, and that means we can share whatever we want and they have no out. Naturally, we just played golf and answered any questions they had about who we are and what we do as we went along. It was probably the most effective missionary work that happened all week, and it happened in the most vacation-ey way possible. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I should just treat this mission like a vacation, because thus far that's been the most effective thing to do. Anyway, one of the guys there, named Falcon, was kind of interested it seems. We found him later in the week, stumbling drunkenly home, and he gave us some helpful advice as only a drunk person can do. He told us to stop forcing religion on people so much, because they don't like it. Instead, he said, we should just be nice people, and eventually the people would open up. People see us biking around, and we don't even have to do anything other than continue to try, because we represent Jesus Christ and people know and respect that, and we need to respect their opinions on the matter and not try to force them to come to church and read the Book of Mormon. After that, he told us he enjoyed golfing with us and would like to talk more sometime. He told us where he lived, but we haven't seen him since. Leo also seemed to just drop off the earth this week. I'm not sure when we will be able to meet with him again. We saw Walt again this week, but that was probably the last time we will. It's created a massive problem for us and it's not worth it. He's just not interested in learning from us about the gospel, he just needs friends to talk to him and listen to him. As many of my peers and leaders have said now, it's just not my job to take care of the guy. It's just creating this massive conflict between me and everyone else because I feel like even if he's not interested, he's one of the sheep too, and if he enjoys my company it could only be good to talk with him every now and again. I think being able to relate to him and look after him is something I'm supposed to be doing as a child of God, to help other children of God and nurture them along the way, and yet, according to the mission leaders, and my companion, visiting him is a waste of time and somehow not an okay thing to do, even though I know for a fact after biking around in the dark everyday that we legitimately have nothing better to be doing. That said, I get yelled at. Being a missionary is a good thing. But the Lord didn't ask Peter to be a missionary. He asked him, of all things, to feed his sheep. To look after the flock. To comfort those in need of comfort. But I guess somewhere along the lines that translates to "only feed the sheep if they want to join the church". Either way, I'm done being the only one standing up about it, so we're dropping Walt because he has unknowingly created contention. I'm not doing this by myself anymore. I'm just going to do the bare minimum and follow the rules exactly (which is what I thought I was doing before by the way) and just not speak unless spoken to. Because clearly, trying out of turn is sinful. Being nice to lonely elders is a waste of time. Shortly after that meeting, we lost contact with the Japanese family. Nobody came to church this week either, and Happy went to Malukai and hasn't come back yet. I feel like I'm being punished for my efforts every time I try. I'm just trying to be better today than I was yesterday, and nobody cares. And then I heard a talk on Sunday about a certain parable. Where hired servants get paid equally despite differing work ethics among them, and the point struck a chord with me.

It wasn't so much about what they did overall, it was about what they did with what they were given.

Each of us has a different capacity. Our abilities differ and we each struggle with different things. My struggle right now is feeling like I'm wrong for trying to follow Jesus Christ's example. Maybe there's hope for the future. Maybe there's hope for this week. All I know is that right now, Im struggling to have any hope at all. The reserves have run dry in the optimism tank, and all I have left that brings me joy is my doodles. My eyesight has been acting up again lately though, so maybe I don't even have art to look forward to for much longer.

At least golfing was fun.

Pictures: The super blood wolf moon yesterday night. Didn't get a good enough picture honestly, but you can see the red kind of. It was cool.

This is not a chicken. It's actual name is the "Red Jungle Fowl". It is however commonly confused for the chicken. (look it up)

Kids-Baked fresh in Hawaii. Keep baby Kate away from here.

 Elder York chips his way to a par on hole 4.
Our view from within the mighty golf carriage. Our cart was designed for greatness.

This is a strange sight. Another type of tree growing out of the side of a palm tree at the Golf course. I've never seen anything like it. Apparently, this thing has claimed quite a few golf balls over the years.

Dinner-Hawaiian Style. This is why we attend child of record baptisms. The food, man.
The tiny river where the the neighborhood kids go fishing.
The surprisingly large fish the kids caught in that tiny river.

Don't Worry, Be A Flying Blue Cat

"Aye Sir!"
-A Certain Blue Cat who can fly...

Okay! With things going particularly slowly this week, and the plague of cold/flu symptoms about giving me a LOT of extra free time, this email should be pretty informative. There's a lot I'd like to let you know about though, so stay tuned bros!

So! A few weeks ago we met this really cool dude named "Happy". Yes, that's actually his name for real. He fits the description too! When we taught him about the restoration of the gospel he was really excited about it and he was amazed that we still have a prophet on the earth today! He gladly accepted the Book of Mormon and has been reading it in his spare time. Our next lesson with him is going to be on the Plan of Salvation, and we are all really excited about it. I'm praying and hoping it goes well, because personally the plan of salvation is one of my favorites to teach. Happy isn't the only person we have been teaching though. The other guy is a really cool dude named Leo Narvana. He's been unable to come to church due to work, but we have been praying for him and we hope that the Lord will be able to provide a way for him to come, and that he won't be nervous about visiting the church. A few extra prayers his way would be a nice blessing for those who feel so inclined. Leo has been taught the plan of salvation, restoration, and the gospel of Jesus Christ, and has been reading and highlighting verses in the scriptures. It's really exciting after having such a hard time finding new people that want to hear the gospel. We were beginning to think nobody cared in Kekaha. Walt hasn't shown any further interest at all in learning more, so we haven't seen him as much lately. It's sad when you meet someone so well prepared to hear the gospel and they reject it's teachings, especially because you know it could really bless their lives. But Walt has 7 degrees and believes himself to be smart enough to know that organized religion is inherently wrong. As sad as it is for me, I've come to realize the truth of that scripture that warns "men are learned and think they are wize". Speaking honestly, the only way I've gotten this far in life to begin with is by recognizing that I know pretty much nothing at all about anything in particular other than my testimony, because the rest of the world moves too quickly for any perceived knowledge to remain concrete for very long. I think it's been a struggle, but relying on your testimony first and all other objectives taking a second to choosing the right has lead me to go where I was needed at just the right time. So investing my trust in God is, to me at least, a positive one, and it helps with the constant unending anxiety of every day life. What doesn't help, by the way, is mice.

More specifically, having to kill them.

This past week we decided to get some sticky traps to take care of the rodent problem. It worked out pretty well, but the problem with sticky traps is the mouse is still alive and just wriggles around on the trap until it starves to death. Unless you decide to put it out of its misery, like I did. So you take it outside, and drop a 20lb weight on it to kill it instantly, and then you have to clean up the guts. And the entire time you feel awful because even though it's a mouse and you want it to be dead and gone so you can go on with your day, it's kind of cute looking in a weird way at the same time. It has those beady little eyes and it's nose twitches and stuff, and it has those little circle ears, and every cute cartoon mouse from Cinderella is just popping into your head, and then you think of Gus Gus, poor, helpless little mentally unstable Gus Gus, and down goes the weight. Then the head is exploded, and you feel some semblance of solace because it didn't have to suffer, but the tears come anyway and you stand there saying "I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry" to nobody in particular and you turn away because you can't look at it now. It hurts too much. And then you leave it outside and try to ask your companion, who let you do this whole thing by yourself, to take care of the clean up so you can recover emotionally from the distress that comes from killing an actual animal that wasn't just a bug or something. And then you start having flashbacks of that one time you hit a dog with your car on accident which prompted you to never want to drive again, and as all of these spiraling internal thoughts run their course, he looks up and goes: "No, you do it". So you try to explain and he goes "I don't care, quit being a pussywillow and clean the mouse up" but you just can't. So you don't, and inevitably he does it for you, but gives you crap about it the whole entire time. And by the time you get to church you are so exhausted that when a member sees you he tells you you look like you are on pot because of how red and unhealthy your eyes look. And you think, "oh no... The fatigue is showing" and you try to say "I'm OK just tired" but somehow it comes out as "I'm just tired OK?!" and then you get to feel bad about that, too.

But it's OK, because.... Because.....

Because riding in the dark has been anything but successful, and you're following all the rules now and trying to figure out what is and isn't okay because you can't handle being yelled at again, so you just stop talking and sing hymns to yourself until it's time to work again. Spoiler alert: it's always time for work. And it was better before but you have faith, and the only answer to the prayers is a fortune cookie you got at panda express on p-day that says "What is coming is better than what has gone"

So yeah. For the most part, everything is okay, and nothing is wrong. Sometimes there are brief moments of stress from overwork, and those moments are especially plentiful when Sunday comes, and nobody, not even the cool people from Mexico, come to church. So you're left wondering what it is that you did wrong. People just aren't helping out over here. But everyday I write in my journal, and do a doodle of some kind, and things work out. Another day comes and goes, but we have optimism and hope.

Advice for this week:

Don't Worry, Be Happy.

Until next week, this is Elder Rogers, signing off.

Pictures: 1) A part of our area looks exactly like the first layer from Made in Abyss.
2) The mouse in the sticky trap. *shivers*
3) The Japanese cemetery by the beach is actually one of my favorite places to go. I like to try to read the Kanji on the nameplates. This is a wonderful sunset there. Oh and by the way, we met a Japanese family that are very excited about being taught in Japanese. Please continue to pray for me so that I can help them in their own language. There are 4 members of the family. It's all very exciting.
4)There are TONS of giant frogs in the grass at night. Crazy isn't it?

Happy New Year!

Similar to the Pokémon Diamond and Pearl anime, "It's a brand new game in a brand new [year]". New challenges and people to meet abound at every turn, so what bounded into me this week? Well, I'm glad you asked that, because the answer is: A lot. It's been another one of those weeks where everything more or less became a collective blur of work and fatigue, so I'm sure a lot happened but when it comes to specifics I'm a little less sure what to talk about, so I'm just going to sit here and type in the hopes that my thoughts will organize themselves and I can find something of interest to talk about. You may not have guessed this, but biking around all day has the attached blessing of making a person extremely tired. I have no trouble sleeping at night, but the problem comes every morning at 6:30. The alarm is the most evil creature known to mankind, and every day Elder York and I come up with new cunning plans to try and get to the alarm and turn it off without having to move. The force has not been working very well so far, but we still like to give it a try and hope for the best. The idea is that if you can make the annoying noise go away, you can go back to sleep, which is really what we all truly desire I think. That said, somehow every day the alarms plays all the way through at least three times, I get sick of it and get up and turn it off, and then Elder Yorks continues to go off for an extra minute or so until he gets sick of his and then turns it off as well. From there, the couch becomes the most valuable property on the board, and both players engage in Mortal combat over who gets to lay down and nap while the other person makes breakfast. Whoever makes contact with the couch first is usually the winner, but sometimes, if the competitors are tired enough, a surprisingly diverse array of trick moves and combo attacks can be used to remove one's opponent from the desired territory. I'd imagine that any spectators of the daily routine would get a lot of joy out of it, and we've considered selling tickets to raise extra money for food. Ultimately though, one of the two of us naps until breakfast is done. Usually this means an extra 10-15 minutes, but "making cereal" has been used as a cruel way to end the victory nap early. It may soon be outlawed though, because the victim of the shortened nap tends to be rather unhappy the rest of the day, and we are considering calling it a war crime.

Other than that, the real joy this week was getting yelled at for 20 minutes at interviews. This was dumb, and I feel the need to state my case here because I have nothing better to talk about. The new schedule of dinner by ourselves at 4-5pm followed by 5-7 finding and 7-9 appointments with people, wasn't working when it was introduced. At all. We were miserable, nobody wanted to meet with us, and we were just unable to work with our area that way. So, after WEEKS of prayer and fasting, we came to the conclusion that we needed to be working with our area and adjusting to fit local circumstances, so we came up with a plan to work as hard as we can in the way we thought would make the most sense. 4-6pm became finding time, because that's when the most people were outside, followed by 6-7 appointments, if we had them, and then we put dinner from 7-8 and comp study from 8-9. This led to a more positive work attitude, and a lot more success. However, apparently even though we told President that we were doing it and both the district and zone leaders gave us the okay for it, it was sinful the whole time. So during interviews I got yelled at because I'm not doing what I was commanded to do and apparently don't have the faith necessary to work miracles in my area. I thought I was just trying to make it easier for as many people as possible to hear the gospel but I guess putting in extra effort to try and work creatively with a hard area isn't a thing you can do anymore, and if you aren't doing everything exactly as it says to do it you are going to hell. So that was a barrel of laughs and glee let me tell you. I just have no idea what I'm supposed to be doing out here, because every time I try to do something I get yelled at. But if I sit back and do nothing I also get yelled at, and the only difference is that when I try I feel the spirit which kind of makes the yelling a bit more tolerable. So until further notice I'm going to continue to try, even though everybody stopped coming to church and our person with a baptismal date has been avoiding us for the past week.

I do to have the faith. I know it's true. And nobody can tell me I don't. So like it or not I'm going to keep feeding the sheep like I was asked to do in the first place. Maybe one day I'll be able to do it correctly and not get scolded for putting more effort in than I had to. Until then. I still pray and read, and now I do my work according to schedule, and I'm expecting miracles. The first of which already happened. I was at church and there was a stray Pokémon card under a door in the back. It was a Mew. That's not a common thing, so I think it's a sign of good things to come.

Gotta Catch Em All, Gotta Teach Em All

Until Next Week!
-Elder Rogers

Pictures: Elder York and Elder Rogers (texted to mom), The single shoe on the string, The hallelujah boys got a random door set up. I have zero clue why but I had to stop and get a picture of it when I saw it, and, as requested, a picture with me in it.